Starkit's Prophecy: The Running Commentary (DISCONTINUED)
by Cynical-Britton
Summary: Join me, a cynical British twat, as I jump on the bandwagon and review Starkit's Prophecy chapter by chapter and poke fun at it, decipher terrible grammar, and just be an all round twat.
1. Chapter 1

**Hello there and welcome to Starkit's Prophecy: The Running Commentary! Now sit back, strap in, and enjoy a nice cup of tea because I'm about to lose a lot of fucking brain cells**

* * *

Chpater oen prouloge

 **The first thing written down is spelled wrong, we're off to an incredibly shitty start.**

The cats gathered around a pool. They all looked into it eagerly. A dark shape appeared on the surface. A blue she cat looked up. Her eyes were bright.

 **Shapes can materialise out of thin air, similar to Greece's national debt, and some poor wanker has headlights for eyes. Brilliant.**

"There is a prophecy!" She said. "out of the darkness, stars will come and get rid of the evil tiger and holly."

 **This prohecy is a riddle wrapped in an enigma, I wonder how anyone will ever figure this one out. They'll probably sit around with their thumb up their arse and wait for the awnser to jump out of nowhere and skip around in a flirtatious manner** **like a lover wearing lingerie. It works every other time.**

"Its about StarKit!" A white tom said. "Shes going to save the forest," He looked at a gold tom by BlueStar.

 **And just who the fuck are you?**

"she has powers nobody dreamed of." Said the gold tom.

 **Unless she can she can make this fanfic bearable I'm not interested.**

"Should we tell JayFeather?" He asked.

 **No, Jayfeather can go fuck himself with a stick.**

"Yes." Said BlueStar. "he needs to know."

 **No he doesn't.**

 _did u like it? plz tell me in urm review!_

 **I thought it was piss poor.**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter to the rose of a Heroin

 **Heroin? I wasn't aware this story took place in Glasgow.**

 _ **ok jazzie-kun pleas dont get mad at me cause your not in it yet. You'l apear soon dont worry.**_

 **Well your friend's a cunt if they get mad that they're not in a fanfic.**

StarKit wock up and sunlit was in the branches. She closed her eyes againstill tired.

 **If sunlight was coming from tree branches I certain she's blind or fucking evaporated. Yeah, evaporation is more likely.**

Butter mom wouldn't let her sleep not today.

 **Her mother's a dairy product?**

"Sweety its time to get up" said Dawnsparkle; her eys shinning. "Today is important today."

 **Oh, silly me. She's a block of _talking butter_. **

"What is it Mom" said StarKit awake right away.

 **That's butter mum to you, missy.**

Then the she cat rememembered what today was.

 **I think you may have a small case of Alzheimer's, mate.**

"Ohmigosh its my serimony today!' she squelled excercisedly. Today was the day she was an apprentice!

 **I pity the poor sod who trains you.**

She flicked outside not even waiting for her Mom.

 **Your mum's a block of butter, it's not like she can move anyway.**

But her Mom cot up to her quick.

 **I stand corrected.**

"Sweety you know the clans don't except cat slike use sometimes." She said.

 **Relax love, your daughter's the main character of a fanfic, everyone already loves her with a passion only matched by American patriotism.**

StarKit glared. She didn't lake beig told that. Just because her Mom was a usedto be Shadowclan cat and her dad was jayFeather the medicine Cat didn"t mean she ws different!

 **Yes it does, it means your birth literally broke the law, you fucking filthy criminal you.**

"StarPaw come here." Said FireStar from the leg. He jumped down.

 **Did we skip the Apprentice Cerimony or what? And where did the fucking amputated leg come from?**

"StarKit it s tome for you to become an apentice: he said. "Your a strong brave cat and because of that I will mentor with you."

 **Never mind I take back my pity.**

Ever body gasped. StarKit did too. Se herd hear mother say "Wow!".

 **They gasped in the "are you fucking mental?" way.**

Firehert liked her shoulder.

 **I know what Firestar's touching himself to tonight.**

He whispered in her ear "youll be the best their ever was StarPaw I know ti."

 **I think you're being a little _too_ optimistic.**

Surpised she walked away when they were done howling for her./

 **Saying cats howl is like saying jet fuel can melt steel beams: you're lying and you fucking know it**

Then she went ofer to JayFeathern and DawnSparkle who were very prod.

 **Jayfeather has nothing to be proud of, he fucked a block of butter and made you, a cat-butter hybrid. The twat should be ashamed.**

"Daughetr where very happy but he have to say something said Jayfeather his chest puffed ouit.

 **Keep your mouth shut Jayfeather you fucked a dairy product.**

"You see there is this prophcy Starcaln gave me it said that out of the darkness, stars will come and get rid of the evil tiger and holly."

 **What could it mean? Doesn't matter because none of this would have happened if you didn't get your dick buttery you sad, desperate wanker.**

StarPaw gasped. What does it mean?

 **Fuck if I know.**

 ** _lol I update fast dont i. REVEIW or ill hit over the head with a frying pan! XDD jk_**

 **Someone phone the police this absolute madman has a frying pan!**


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter three the Battle 4 the caln

 **This should be interesting, but knowing the fanfic, it's going to be like my love life: sorely disappointing and anticlimactic.**

 _ **thx jazzie-kun 4 th good review! and stop flmaing the stroy!1**_

 **Someone thought your story was bad, suck it up, it happens to all of us.**

 _ **i bet u cant right such a good story!1!**_

 **Oh that's rich.**

StarPaw walkd over too the appentice's den. Insid she saw her sister's FlamePaw and lakePaw

 **Since when the fuck did you have sisters?**

and hr frend JazzPaw (a.n: jazzie-kin ur my bff!) waz slepping on the mos.

 **I don't think cats know what jazz is.**

"JazzPaw get up." She cried.

 **"No fuck off"**

JazzPaw opend her brlliaint blu eyes and looked at hr.

 **The last time I read "her brilliant blue eyes" the next sentence was "were covered in jizz". I can't make that up.**

"Do yo want 2 go on pattrol wit me?" she asked.

 **No one assigned you on a patrol unless you became deputy within 2.5 nanoseconds of being made an apprentice.**

"Sure!" Said JazzPaw getten up from the moss.

 **This is not how someone who just got rudely awakened reacts, it's usually something like "no, go fuck yourself you fucking wanker"**

They leavt and went two the entrnse too camp.

 **Okay, this is the first time you've lost me.**

But then, a cat came in thru the entrnce! It was BlackStar!1!11

 **I don't see what's so dramatic unless he walked in to show everyone his Hitler tatto**

"Shadoclan are attaking!" She yelled.

 **This isn't a fucking attack he just wants to show off his tatto you bloody wank.**

All the cats came out from there dens. She jumped on a cat and clawd him and he ran of.

 **"We're being attacked! Quick! Hit the person closest to you!"**

"Good job StarPaw!" FireStar called, "The last cat i new that culd fiht lik that was SandStrom. Your a good fihter!"

 **Great mentoring Firestar, praise your apprentice for attacking some random cunt for no reason, not even a mentor for a day and you're already fucking up. Good job you ginger cunt.**

StarPaw was happy. She wus a good fihgter!

 **Ah, the junkie philosophy: randomly attacking poor sods means your a good fighter.**

Maybey this was wat the prophcy meant.

 **Maybe the prophecy means you're a dick.**

 _ **thnkx and ples no more flams**_

 **I'll flame you harder than the great fire of London.**


	4. Chapter 4

apter Three The Traning Under The Star  
 _ **OMGOSH GUkys im so sorry but SOMEONE glares at rainy days**_

 **You're apologising because someone dislikes rain, I don't know why you would because here in the UK, if rain was a person everyone would fucking stab them.**

 _ **FLAMED ME AND I GOT REALLY HURT.**_

 **Oh, someone get me a violin, their feelings are hurt.**

 _ **OKKAY IF you dont LIKE thestor y you dont have to readit u know.**_

 **This is the only smart thing you've said so far, but it's overruled by the fact that this is the Internet and we do things because we can.**

Chapter Three The Traning Under The Stars

Shadowclan run from the camp.

 **And by Shadowclan you mean Blackstar.**

StarPaw smiled. Shed one! Noone cod hurt her family now .

 **Don't flatter yourself because who the fuck wants to attack a block of butter that Jayfeather used as a pocket pussy.**

StarPaw!" said FireStar. "Its time we train!" I want to show you how to fight!"

 **Unless you're going to show her how to use a bottle of buckfast to get her money back from ladbrookes when her horse doesn't win the grand nationals I'm not interested**

"Ok." Sad StarPaw happl;y. "but yo just saw I culd fight, write?"

 **I wouldn't consider jumping some wanker 'fighting'**

"Well, ya." said FireStar. "But I wnted tol see if that was all you new."

 **Firestar, for someone so perfect you're complete shit at mentoring.**

"Ok." They went to the frost togather and the other cats cleaned jp the bodies.

 **Christ, where did the fucking bodies come from? Only one cat walked in and all of a sudden there's bodies?**

"Ok StarPaw" said Firestar one they got their. "We'll start with how to dog."

 **How does one 'dog' exactly?**

"Cmon thas too easy!" yelled StarPaw.

 **You are six moons old, you're as agile as a plank of wood.**

Shed just beat BlackStar she was ready for anything!

 **We'll put that theory to the test and pit you against Cthulhu and see how that goes.**

"ok Ok" mewled FiresTar, lets learn how to claw an oponit.

 **Ah yes, I remember the first time I learned to claw an oponit, coincidentally, that was the same day I got my arse kicked.**

"Ya." Yowled Starkit. She jumped at FireStar not Giving hiM time to attakc. "She hit his side he didn't move he was to surprise.d she clawed him and he started bledding.

 **That's not how training works you little shit.**

"wow StarPaw" he said ".Your doing awesome."

 **Firestar you don't congratulate your apprentice when they fuck up, you really are a fucking moron.**

"Really?" gaped StarPaw. She didn't think she was doing that god was she relly special like the porphesy meowed?

 **I'm fucking confused like the time I had to read a textbook in Spanish.**

"Yes StarPaw." Snarled Firestar.

 **Easy there tiger.**

"I couldnteven get away in fast enough.

 **I doubt a six moon old kit is faster than you unless you have Kim Kardashian as your fucking brain**

Only scourg was did that before.,"

 **But he was an adult (I think so anyway) and she's a kitten, a _very_ big difference.**

"OMGOSH REALLY?" asked StarPaw. Scourg?1? THE SCOURG?

 **The scourg sounds like a form of gum disease.**

She dherad so muchj about him he was really evil and killed alot of cats.

 **As far as the clans are aware he only killed two cats-Tigerstar and Firestar-and I'm sure there was only one other cat.**

"I'M LIKE SCOURG?

 **Don't fucking complain, you could be called worse, like David Cameron. Oink oink, dickhead.**

"I didnt mean it like that" FirePaw sad fastly.

 **Yeah, and I'm not waiting for a halo/warriors crossover.**

"I ment you wer a good fighter. Its really cool." At that minute he thought to himself

 **"Blimey, my apprentice is a fucking dick"**

'Starpaws so kawaii look at her eys and her fur.

 **Firestar you fucking ginger weeaboo redneck.**

"Oh ok thanks." They trained floor awhile later StarPaw beat FireStar 8 times once she let him win to make him fel bettar

 **I'd be careful starpaw in case Great granddaddy Firestar wants to show you his pet trouser snake.**

and b y the last one she was alittle tired.

 **That's the chloroform setting in.**

"Hey FireStar can we hunt now." Said StarPaw. "im kinda hungry."

 **Or you could go to the fresh kill pile.**

"Oh we'll if you want." Firestar was disappointed he and; starPaw had been having so much fun.

 **Should I call social services now?**

So they went huntng, StarPaw messed up a couple times but FireStar said it was okaysince it was only her second time (she'd had her first time when she was a littlekit and she and FireStar had snuck out together that's why he chose her as his apprentice_.

 **You're sure he didn't pick her because he has an incest/shoulder fetish?**

Later that night StarPaw locked up at the stars. She and Firestar had'd so much fun this day. Theyd brung back enough food for the hole clan.

 **If you want to impress me bring back enough cocaine to keep the population of Columbia snowed up till next Christmas.**

Locking upn at the stars she turned to her best friend, JazzPaw, and said, "Do you think well ever be up there."

 **No, you'll probably burn in the depths of hell.**

"Ya totally." Said JazzPaww. "I mean youll be l,eader and I'll be depudy one day well have too!"

 **And when that day comes the world will mourn.**

"Ya." Said StarPaw smiling she loved JazzPaw NOT IN THAT WAY U SICKOS!)

 **Someone out there has made a lemon of these two, even thinking about that makes my reproductive organs shut down.**

they were best friends. She loked up at the stars again and smiled and fell asleep wit the Starcaln voices whisper in her head.

 **We have a word for that: it's called schizophrenia.**

 ** _REVIEW R MY LIFE_**

 **Reviews are a form of life support?**

 ** _(lol u like it Jazzy I mead you as kawai as I could(_**

 **Well you fucked up hard.**


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter For StarPaws decids  
 _ **flamrs ur all satanits!11**_

 **Brilliant start right there.**

 _ **anyon who dosent like the stro is a staneist cause StarGIPaw has such a strng conecton with sTarcaln and thats why you dot like it, its cause u do ntlik JEZUS!**_

 **I have no words for this, but two can play at that game.**

 **Starpaw's ears are in the shape of triangles, triangles have three sides, Starpaw's name consists of two words: star and paw, three + two = five, the pentagon is a building with five sides, five + five = ten, ten is part of the two times table, ten divided by five = two, two is a three lettered word, the illuminati has three sides.**

 **Starpaw is illuminati confirmed.**

 **And who does the illuminati work for? Satan.**

 **Checkmate, wanker.**

"StarPaw wok up its tim 4 parole."

 **Who the fuck is Tim?**

StarPaw opnd hr brite reinbow eys and locked arund.

 **Rainbow eyes, because this story just wasn't fucking retarded enough already.**

"Omigosh who wus tha!1!1"Sshe yellow.

 **It's Tim.**

"Its me GrayStipe" GrayStrip wisperd in her er. StarPaw gottedup.

 **Oh it's Gray-"I have puppies in the back of my windowless van"-stripe.**

"Omigosh Graystip what do u want!

 **To ask you if this rag smells like chloroform to you.**

1 she yelped GrayStrpe locked at hr.

 **I don't like where this is going.**

"Wll u be my mat" hE ESked.

 **Don't you have Millie to bang or something? Oh, wait.. Mat? Well I guess Graystripe has a mat fetish.**

"OMigosh grayStripe thats so nic!" StarKit scremed.

 **Oh fuck he wasted no time getting between her legs, did he?**

"but FireStar alredy esked me."

 **That's not any better, you know the only difference is Firestar's related to you.**

"wel then hes jst an idot."

 **Well... he _is_ a redneck.**

y do u say tha?" yellED STARPaw

 **Because he thinks Firestar's a redneck pedophile.**

GayStrip locked at hr meanly.

 **I have no fucking words for this.**

"i dont lik him" sqeakd GrayStripe he locked arund fastly. "hes a mean cat!

 **He's shitty mentor, sure, but I don't know about mean. Unless he showed kits that Irn-Bru advert with the girl called 'fanny' (which here in Britain means vagina) and now the kits won't stop saying fanny and it's pissing everyone off.**

"OMIGOSH U MEAN LIKE SCOURG?" STARPAW SHOCKED.

 **No, Firestar's not an angry emo midget with family issues. Well, maybe the second part's a lie but I digress.**

"No ur much prtter then sourg"

 **You were talking about your redneck leader, not her you fucking twat.**

said Graystripe he licked her on the head I want u to be my mat." he yeleled.

 **Real fucking smooth, if you really want her interested, say "are you from Tenesse? 'Cause you're the only ten-I-see" She'll be wetter than New-Orleans.**

"Well mabey. but what would FireStar say?" she wispereed.

 **"Git yer pahws awff mah gurl yew son-of-ah-bee-itch"**

GrayStripe locked around agan. "I dont think he wuld mind." said GraStri;e

 **This won't work, there's no way she's that stupid.**

"OMIGOSH SUR THAN!" StarPaww yelleded happly.

 **You're fucking joking. If relationships worked like this, I'd be married by now with two beautiful children and living in a Canadian province.**

"Wat ar uo ta;kin abut" said FireHert he was walkin up.

 **Their discussing the prospect of Graystipe hammering your great granddaughter/the girl you're having an affair with behind Sandstorm's back.**

He locked angrily.

 **I too get pissed when karma fucks me over.**

"oh uhhhh nuthin FireStar go back to sleep!" mwled StarPaw hoppin he would leaf so she culd be alon with grayStripe.

 **Alone with a pedophile is not a situation you want to be in, mate.**

"Yah FireStra theres nithing to wory about!"

 **Social services beg to disagree.**

cherrid GrayStrpe but Firestar didn't leave insted he said i thought I herd you asking her to be our mate."

 **You're fucked now Graystripe.**

"oh uh yeh. yELLED STARPaw but he didn;t leaf instead he jumped on GrayStripe!1!11

 **Ever seen two pedophiles fight? Yeah. Me neither.**

"I Want to be wit her!" said FireHart attakin GraySriep.

 **Someone phone Childline or the Social Services already for fucks sake.**

"No I do!" shouted.

 **Scratch that, two pedophiles and some other cunt.**

"guysys stop fihting you can BOTH be my mats! StarPaw wispered apply like seCert."

 **Two warriors one apprentice. Because who said anything about standards?**

"No we can;t do that their can only be 1!11 Howled Firestar.

 **You heard the cunt, you can have one hundred and eleven mates. Go wild and get a few STDs.**

"Otterwies youll chet on us."

 **I don't see how it's cheating if she can have one hundred and eleven guys inside her.**

"So StarGleam, who will u pik?" giggled GayStipe.

 **Gaystripe?**

 **U fockin wot m8?**


	6. Chapter 6

**Well it's been awhile hasn't it? Sorry but I've been busy with school and tests and homework has been piling up for me, so apologies from yours truly.**

 **P.S. do any of you artists out there do me a favour a do a cover for this fic? You can design whatever you want so as long as the figure in my profile picture's in it (if you need a better reference look up zero punctuation yahtzee, hopefully it helps).**

 **Granted, no one has to do it, but if you do decide to, I'll give you full credit for it and it would be great if you sent a link to it via PM.**

 **Cheers in advance.**

* * *

Chapter Five Untidles  
 _ **UR OLL JUST SAINTS**_

 **Oh you're much too kind**

 _ **y cant u just except jEsuss it wold mae ur life so much mor engoyable u would never haf to worr/ again**_

 **I don't know about you guys but excepting jEsuss made my life a lot easier.**

StarPaw sad "I..i….." she was so foncusded!

 **It's a simple question of "which one of us will you bone?"**

Thes to cats hard asked her to b there mates an wht was she supops to do?

 **Pick one or say no for fucks sake out of everything you have going for you, common sense seems have flown over your sparkly cunt.**

They we beoth handsome and althing, but bot had matss!

 **You didn't seem concerned about their mates five minutes ago.**

Nhd she luvved them both!

 **It's not healthy to love everyone who glances in your general direction just like it's not healthy to live off a diet of only cigars unless you want to sound like filthy frank.**

FirstAr wus so kind and he oviusly likked her allot.

 **How many times do I need to point out that Firestar's your grandfather?**

GayStirpe was so funny and col.

 **If you ask me, Graystripe is only funny if you're 8 years old.**

"!" said StarPaw ass she ruan in to the forest.

 **How does one pronounce "!" without sounding like they're taking a stroke?**

It wus to muck# she culdnt choss!

 **Now normally I'd complain, but because either choice is pedophilia or incest, I'll let it slide.**

She run and ran and run til ur paws her hurtinged. Hen she rrellized she corsed the broader.

 **Crossing the border? You absolute madman!**

Oih no she thugh Shadowclan will get me. "wut are you ding here?" sd BalkStar s he waked up.

 **Why the bloody hell is Blackstar asleep in the middle of fucking nowhere in Shadowclan territory?**

"I'm sorry!" mewoed StarKit I didn't men too!'

 **That response made no sense like being asked what your favourite colour is and responding with fucking firetruck.**

That's ok" sed blackStar. "no wons perfeck."

 **Starpaw's the exception, mate.**

"no that's not true." Said StarPaw, offed. "StarClan is."

 **Yes, that's why the got three wankers who are dumber than a bag of Patatoes to solve their problems for them.**

"Waht do you mena?" wemed BlackStar.

 **She means Starclan's a bunch of idolised lazy pricks.**

"well the give us all this halpand stuff" said Starpaw.

 **The only time Starclan has ever helped is when the Dark Forest raided the clans.**

"without them we wold be lust." She said.

 **Without Starclan the clans would be twice the arseholes they already are.**

"I gess that's ter " balkcStar said, "besid I didn't relly mean that neway.

 **Didn't you go against Starclan at one point? And if you ask me, everything went alright for Shadowclan.**

"o really why?" said starpaw. "becus yo are."

 **Wait, is Starpaw perfect, or are we talking about Blackstar here?**

'WHAT' YOWLED sTarpaw jumping away BlackkStarTried to nugle her. "WHAT ARE O TRIG TO DO MOLE STRAEP ME?1?"

 **Well at least Starpaw's aware that someone's trying to molest her, let's see how long it takes her to relise that Granddaddy Firestar and Old Man Graystripe are trying to do the same.**

"e—" BlakStar started too expaln, but, StarPw wass to quick

 **Could you be anymore of a cunt, Starpaw?**

"no" she Sid "I don't doned another tom after me!" "I got enog porbelms arigt now anywy!

 **You are six moons old, you have no problems at all.**

"but yor pahfect." Said Blackstar. "you betted me in badle you HAVE TO BE "

 **Have to be what exactly?**

"NO!" shitted SarPaw Again runnin into the forst.

 **That's what you get for eating laxatives you fucking wanker.**

Ters ralled down her checks she was cyring. 'its too much" sahe though.

 **Excuse me while a get my violin.**

"Starcalnb help me….!"

 **Starclan will do two things, Jack and shit, and Jack just left town.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Alright, I got review from a guest called 'Die in a hole' so this AN is a response to them, if I could sort this out in private I would (because doing it publicly feels like naming-and-shaming to me), but since it's a guest review I unfortunately can't, and since you were mature about what you wanted from me, I'll give you the common courtesy of a mature response:**

 **Look, I know you find this fic and similar ones in bad taste and that's okay, you're allowed to have different moral standards from other people. But if you dislike these fic then the easiest option is to just ignore it.**

 **I know I'm not innocent and that I'm kicking the author harder than most, but I'm not going to stop this fanfic because it's offensive or because it's bashing the author. I personally believe strongly in free-speech, and frankly, I think it's a little selfish to ask me to stop doing something that I and the people who review/favourite/follow enjoy for a laugh just because you find it in poor taste.**

 **I doubt this is the response you wanted, but I'm not going to stop this fic because it's not your cup of tea.**

* * *

Chapter Six Desions,

 _ **STUP GLAMING!11! IF YOU'R AN FLAM,E YOUR A STNITS AND WIL BUN IN HEIKL!**_

 **Not with that attitude.**

LASTEST TIEM ON STARKITS PROPEHY:;

 **This is a fanfic not a fucking tv show.**

"NO!" shitted SarPaw Again runnin into the forst.

 **Where will you be when diarrhoea strikes?**

Ters ralled down her checks she was cyring. 'its too much" sahe though. "Starcalnb help me….!"

 **Wait... is this the ending of the last chapter? Or is there a Groundhog Day thing going on?**

Afert tat StrPaw walkde thru the frost. She wus so depresedded!Hu was seh sapost to pik?/?/

 **Never have I ever seen someone depressed about having to pick between three pedophiles.**

Then she saw JayFethre cumin thru the forst tords her.

 **Jesus Christ, Jayfeather do that in private and don't you have a stick of butter for that kind of thing?**

"JayFeathr im soooo confusedd wat do i do she yelled their are three toms atref me! TREEE!"!

 **Even the bloody trees want a piece of that under aged ass. Okay, now I want to know what the author's smoking.**

i know" sed jayFethr he locked happy. "thats good four you it menzz that p[eo[le like uo. he told he smilling.

 **And in other news: water is wet.**

"NO NUT I LUV ALL OF THEM" sed StarPaw back waling upst. "I DON'T KNO WHO TO [ICK!1!1"

 **Does the idea of rejecting them fly over Starpaws head or something?**

"wel ten let me tel yo a stor.y said JayFeathern and he sat don.

 **"Once, I had a cousin who drowned and his sister blamed me for it, I also went back in time found a mate and and was forced to hear her desperate screams as she drowned, my half brother tried to kill me, I was almost burned alive, and I found out I'm actually adopted. As you can tell, my life is pretty eventful"**

 **I don't think Jayfeather should be telling anyone.**

Onceu pon a tiem there were afew cats that I licked."

 **Jayfeather you kinky bastard.**

"hu where they sad StarPaw snifing.

 **Half-moon and your mother the dairy product.**

"theyre names were DawnSpark;e and... Stick/ saud JayFeather.

 **Somethings are better left unsaid. This is one of them.**

"OMG STICK wispred StarPaw "YOU WHERE IN LUV WITH A STICK? She culdnt belief it.

 **Neither could I until I read a fic that involved Jayfeather shoving said stick places where it shouldn't be.**

After al this tim she finds out that her fathe loved a sTICK. SHE GAPD IN SHOC.

 **It could be worse, he could love a stick of butter.**

"Wat did you do? she esked thoug cuase she was crios.

 **Are you asking for a description of 1 Jayfeather 1 stick? Because that's something that will keep you up at night.**

Wel I culdn have kids with a stcik now culd i?" said JayPaw and he locked confuded. LIKE HE DIDN;T EVN KNO SHE WAS GNNA ASK THt qestn.

 **"Why didn't you fuck the stick?" Is a phrase most people would get confused by.**

"sO YOU WENT WITH DAWNSPARKLE INSTD! YELLED STARpaw locking vry happi.

 **Happy isn't the typical response to being told you only exist because your dad couldn't reproduce with a stick.**

"but that doesn;t help me what am I spost to do?/?

 **Don't turn into Jayfeather, that's what.**

"Folo youre hart said Jayfeahr. "Who do yo want to be wit/"

 **Hopefully someone her age.**

Hmm StarPaw taught for a secund. FireStar!" she yelldd and then run of to tel him that she ;oved him

 **Well, never mind then.**

 _ **NO FLAMSE!1!12!1**_

 **The 2 is new, usually it's like this!1!1**


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Ate The Serimmony 1

 **What the bloody hell is a serimmony and who ate it?**

 _ **STOP REVOFIGN BAD!**_

 **Translation: stop telling me things I don't want to hear.**

 _ **but than u JASZpAW for tehh godo revewis uve ben levving**_

 **Well, at least someone supporting this shit.**

StarPaw skided into de Camp. "FIRSTAR" SHE YOWLED "I ha to tel; uo somesting?"

 **"Fuck off, can't you see I'm busy trying to lure other children into my van?"**

"nut ow StarOaw"

 **I fucking knew it, he really is showing kids his pet trouser snake.**

he sadi "yuve gut to become WARRIOR!'

 **She has only been an apprentice for only two days, is there anything Firestar can't fuck up at this point?**

"MOGOSH REALLY creamed StarPaw.

 **I didn't need that image in my head, the same way kids don't need to ask if they can join their parents when they 'wrestle'.**

YEAH SAID firestar "Youv been a war for onll 3.14 dayss butt u are the best apent ice in the cAlan.

 **The ginger cunt's becoming self aware.**

Ur perfect.

 **Far from it, mate.**

We ndd you to help dfeat BlackStar and ShadowclaN. And all teh other calns. Tehy are tyring 2 attack us were in the meddle of a warr. "

 **In the middle of a war? Since fucking when.**

"omgosh WE ARE?" scremmed StarPal she sus so surpissed!

 **Yes, but all battles are invisible and that's why you haven't noticed.**

 **no, you sparkle covered prick, you're just fucking stupid.**

"Ya DustPelt did while U were away in your walk Rivrclan attacked us." Said SandTrom.

 **So, what does Sandstorm think of her mate shagging their great granddaughter?**

She locked sortaf sad she New FireStart lovved Stargleam. But it wass ok she newt wht wus best.

 **Sandstorm has been cucked. Does this madness ever end?**

"OMGoht" sid StarPaw. "Quickk mack me a warrror!"

 **Everything so far has been short lived, let's hop this applies to your warriorhood as well.**

"Oak" said Firestar.

 **I agree Firestar, oak _is_ better for furnishing than birch wood.**

He wlaked up to StarPaw. "aLL Cats Gather Round Who Are Older To Cach There One Prey!"

 **"One prey"? I thought this was Thunderclan, not the Soviet Union.**

"Tday we are making a new Warrior."

 **"Who has only been an apprentice for two days"**

The calnn GASPED!

 **I'm positive an uprising is justified at this point.**

"SarkPaw! StarPaw!: shouted the clan. They all new infancy it was she whom was beng mad a warrior.

 **Everyone has fucking lost their marbles.**

Starpaw was so exited! She'd never bin so hap inner life!

 **Hopefully everything will go downwards after this, but I doubt it will.**

"StarPaw….." said FirePaw. He was simile like shed never sent him simle behfore.

 **"Finally, I'm fucking rid of this wank stain" Firestar thought blissfully, knowing he wouldn't have to endure anymore pain.**

"Are you ready to become a Warrior in the Name of Starcaln?:"

 **We had something similar to this, we called it the Spanish Inquisition.**

"Yes!" she shock3d.

 **We can now add electricity to the list of powers the three could have had instead of the shit the Erins gave us.**

"oak." Eh sad. "Then by the powers of Starclan, I gave you this narme. From now on, you will be none as StarPaw for your pel which sings like the starss and ur conectin 2 StarClann. We onner you'r bravvery and" " kindness."

 **Did Firestar have a stroke mid-speech?**

StarGleam girned. She wass a Warrior! At least!"

 **You've been an apprentice for two days, you don't get to say "at last".**

"FireScar," she said, cuming over 2 him.

 **I didn't need the image in my head either.**

"I wanna tell u somesing." They locked sirously at him.

 **"I sacrifice innocent kits to Tigerstar".**

"yeah wat is it?" he sad, hop shinning in his eayres.

 **Those must be some bright fucking ears.**

Dos he knew? StarGlema think.

 **Everyone in this fic has the mental capacity of a bag of potatoes, so no, I don't think so.**

"Firestar…." She brethed. She cullednt she was actually dong this after so lung.

 **Two. Days.**

"I….."

 **"Had my father give me a small loan of one million dollars"**

WINDCLAN ATTAK! Shioted a voise from obove the Camp.

 **No one is the Warriors series seems to know what stealth is.**

It was….

 **Onestar?**

HOLYLEAF!

 **Isn't she supposed to be in tunnels, full of self loathing and banging a ghost?**

 _ **I workd reall' herd on dis chapter n tired 2 spell good so plzz review NICE!**_

 **Trust me, I can tell.**


	9. Chapter 9

Chatter NEIN Teh Evil Tigger and holY

 **Tigger? I knew that bastard was evil.**

 _ **I SAID NO FLAMES! YOUR JUST JELOS YOUR GOING 2 HEL LJESS IS OYUR SAVER**_

 **"Hey, you're not doing the thing I want, you're going to receive eternal punishment for that you wanker"**

"Ohno its HolyLeaf!" yelled FireStra he ranned away. SandStrom wnet aftre him.

 **The fearless leader of Thunderclan, everyone.**

StarGlaem locked up. HolyLeaf was stnding their and their was anodder chat with hr.

 **A description would be nice you know. Because for all I know Darth Vader could be standing next to her.**

"OMIGOSH ITS TIGGERSTAR!" she hossed. "WHTA WIL WE DO!"

 **Surrender and get ready to be annexed for the glory of Deutschland.**

 **Wait, this isn't Poland.**

"we figt." saud Jayfeathre and he ran at HollyLeaf.

 **I thought this was a Warriors fanfiction, not fucking corny dialogue simulator.**

StarGlema washed as HolyLefa locked at JayFather and kiled him with one shot.

 **Hollyleaf is op plz nerf.**

"YOU KILDED MY FTHER! she yelled and she attcked HolyLeaf.

 **Corny Dialogue 2: Eletric Boogaloo.**

HollyPaw gut out of the way and StarPaw attaked TiggerSar.

 **Turns out Hollyleaf _does_ have a power; the power to become younger at will. Add that to the list of shit powers in Warriors.**

"U killed TigerStra!" uelled FiresStar he locked happy.

 **Weren't you busy pissing yourself?**

"You are speshil!"

 **Is she really special when everyone else in this fic seemed to have been dropped one to many times as an infant?**

StarGleam was sooo happy, she didng notse as HollyLea grabbed Firestar and took him way.

 **Unless Hollyleaf's a Russian Bodybuilder, I don't believe she's capable of lifting a fully grown warrior.**

"OH NO" yelled StarKit. "WE HAVE TO SAVE HIM!

 **Corny Dialogue 3: The Big Apple.**

 _ **a cilf hunger1!111! see im a god riter i no what thta id thx f4r the good revweiws JzzPaw && everon else WHOSE NIT A FALMER**_

 **Stroking your own ego isn't going to make this fanfiction good, just like how playing CS:GO without headphones in an airport isn't good for your health, mostly because you're going to get shot when security hears "the bomb has been planted".**

* * *

 **I'm thinking about making a "how to fanfiction" to prevent bollocks like the above from happening and I want to know if people would like to see that. If not, then I'll just keep doing what I'm doing currently. But let me know if you want a fanfiction guide from me.**


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter Ten The Recluse

"EVERONE FALLOW ME" meowled StarPleam as see charred for th3 entranse to eh camp.

 **Now that I've noticed, where's Brambleclaw? He was probably replaced as deputy when no one was looking.**

Tares stremmed down her face1 she wuss so sad her fahter had deid her leader was gunn. "FLAMEPAW LAKEPAW DUSTPELT MOM LOINBLAZE FALLOW ME." She said. "I NEDD A PAROL."

 **Seriously, where the fuck is Brambleclaw? And why are you asking the butter stick for help?**

The run into the frost their pass working fastly. She wood kill HolyLeaf and TigerSar for what thed don!

 **Didn't you already kill Tigerstar? Is he like a ghost2?**

She batlecried using his nose to tar down the evill cats. Her heat burneded!

 **Enlighten me, how the bloody hell you murder someone with a nose.**

Sune they had funded them. They were hidnig bwhind a bolder. "HAHAHAH" LAUGHED HOLylesf putting er claw on FiresTarS thort. "IVE GOT YOU KNOW!"

 **Do it.**

 **Strike him down and your journey to the dark side will be complete.**

StarGleam gasped. "noooooo Fireheat!" she scemmed "FalmePawgo!" she said.

 **Sending a poorly trained apprentice to deal with a fully trained warrior, this won't end well.**

Flamepaw hurled at HolyLeaf. Hollyleaf laked at her in suprise. "What how could they have fallowd me." She dogged at Flamepaw her blue eys fallshig.

 **You really shouldn't be surprised when you made no effort to cover your tracks.**

"NO FLAMEPAW" whaled LakePaw seing her sisters about too die. "I LOVE YOU FALMEPAW." She yowled jumping herself in front of HOlyLeaf.

HollyLaffs paw cutt into hir throt blood came out LakePaw felt down.

 **You hear that? That's the sound of an unnecessary death of a character no one gives two shits about. Beautiful, isn't it?**

"NOOOO!1!11" StarPaw screamed. "FLAMEAPWWW!" She ran for HoltLeaf but it wass no us. LakPaw was dyeing. "I lofe you StarGleam." She wisperd before er blue I's cosed.

 **Am I supposed to be sad? We know nothing about that wanker and you still want us to be sad?**

"NO WAKE UP LAKEPOOL" shoited Stargleam-she was so sad and depersed she was cyring!

 **3sad5me**

 **1 leik = 1 tissue**

"hahaha" laughed HollyLeaf evil. "u just dunt gedot d o you Im one of teh Tree! I have pows beyound ur emaginating!" nd then…. She turned in…. A BARE!

 **Even this piece of shit fanfic can come up with better powers than the Erins. Erins, next time you're going to put Superman's powers on a dartboard make sure it's the good ones.**

 **Fucking Christ!**

"Gasped" gasped everyone. It was a bare!

 **Yes, we established that Hollyleaf's a bear six words ago.**

"IM A SHAPSHITTER!" siad Hollylea joyly.

 **I'm going to assume laxatives and play-doh shape-cutters have something to do with being a 'Shapeshitter'.**

"stargleam." Said FalmePaw cryingly. "I nedd to go back 2 the damp. I goat bury laekpaw. Ive neverbeen out of camp before how do you get back!"

 **Just let her body decompose.**

"U ju wak to te the est. said StarPaw."

 **You're both six moons, I doubt you even know what direction east is.**

Thaks said FlamePaw crying she piced up the LakePaw and putter on her back and run.

 **Put the corpse in the lake and just pretend you buried her.**

"nut so fast!" said Holyleaf! "Your not gunna get away that easly!" Wit a rar like an volcano erection she jumped at StarGlaem!

 **If you ever experience a 'Volcano erection' you should probably go see a doctor because odds are you're lower half's just ash.**

Everone! Gasped! "NOOOO." Yowled STarGleam as sumething lung and sarp pluned into her bk. "YOU CANT GET ME THAT EASLY."

 **Is Stargleam dead? Is it finally over? Can I go home now?**

Everyone jumped at the HoBare! The bare rared in pane! Starepaw sent her teeth into its for. It rared.

 **A bear is like a fucking tank compared to a cat, how are they even winning outside of Deus Ex Machina?**

"oak oka" HolyLeafthe bare said. "i no know Your not guna be bettin that esliay." Suddenly she was a cat1 then her body dropped her eyes went drka she was on the grund. Suddly ther wass howl from the other side of the froste. It was LaFlamePaw!

 **She's dead. Keep her dead. This is a fanfic not a comic book.**

"LAKEPAW UR BACK!" SHE SAD

 **"I'm came back to infect ass with a zombie virus and eat brains, and I'm all outta brains"**

WHT SAID SPARGLAME. Thenshe locked. It was LakePool! She was runnin tord the forest starGleam was so appy. Then she sawyer eyes.

THEY WERE OLLYLEAFS!

 **Ollyleaf, disgusting hybrid of a popular British singer and a character from a book series about cats living fictional clans.**

 **Please kill me.**

 _ **the next chatter wil coke soon! AND STUP FLAMMING YOU HAETRS. YOU JUST DONT BELVE IN GOOD.**_

 **There is good in the world, it just happens that none of it is coming from the fanfic.**


	11. Chapter 11

Catter 1 The Fiht Aganst the Sitters 1

 **I'm assuming that's supposed to say 'Fight against the Sinners' which sounds cool, interesting, and straight out of Dark Souls**

 **Too bad this is an awful fanfic and not Dark Souls.**

"Oh nose!" yellded StarPaw she wus so horrorifed. "LakePaool is buck and seh is NUT OKA!"

 **She just rose from the fucking dead. What were you expecting? Her not to a zombie?**

"Of coarse im not okay!" LakeFall screchemd loadly she issed at StarGlame. "I'm being posesd by HolyLeaf wut do you THINK!" she yelddl and hulrd hesselv at StarPaw. StarGlme was so surpissed she culdn;t mofe

 **Even in fanfiction, the death of characters just means they'll appear less often and just be see-through.**

Then... "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" It was...

 **JOHN CENA!**

 **why? Because this meme isn't dead enough yet.**

REDPAW! Redpaw runnth over to StarPaw and jumped in font of herr and LakePolawm hit her insta.

 **Why doth thou use 'runneth' when thou doth not liveth in the 16th century? Get thine shit together.**

"Nuu Redpaw!" chked StarGlamea and she locked at RedPaw. "RedOaw are yu okayo?" she esked upsed. RedPaw cughed. "No im not but at leaat I sawed yuour lif! she sed and then he did. StarFlame locked at RedPaw she wus so buttifly then StarGleam shock her hud.

 **Aaaand que Careless Whisper.**

"No Im STRREET!" she taught madly.

 **"My mind's telling me no... but my body, my body's telling me yes!"**

"but now what do we dao agant LakePaw!" she lucked up. LakePaw was runnen toward Loinblzx and she was WIDESPED!

 **Widespread? Is Lakepaw about to be your local Tesco or something?**

"NOWWWWWWW LIonHEAR!" wisprd StarGalem and she ran towed LionBlaze and she hit LakePaw, who did to.

 **Lionblaze would have been fine, you both have the Mary-Sue gene**

"StarGlame I will get u for thiss11 sed LakePaw as SatinClaw drag away to hellClan.

 **SatinClaw and Hellclan? Can somebody do me a favour and phone NASA and tell them my sides are in Earth's orbit?**

He waswerng oink naie Polish.

 **You must be speaking Polish because that sentence make zero fucking sense.**

then StarGlame stinted to crry as she realed that her sitter ass ded.

 **You just let your sister get dragged to hell**

"you killd my Subjt!" HolyLeaf rared turng back in a bare. "Ilus get you for thi!" she saud and then she rudhed at StarPlame. "Oh o!" yelld every1 "tarPaw got our of the Way!"

 **Don't you have some sort of power or something? Just kick the shit out of ghost Yogi Bear.**

Tim semd to slow danw as StarPawlem run awy from the bare. But she ran left into... TIGGERSTAR!"

 **Tigger's about to kick your sorry arse to the hundred acre woods and back, dickhead.**

"Fuhrstar! yellded a TiggerStraw. "You ar gong to did now!" And he held out... SOME JEW!

 **Oh no, not the jew! Anything but the jew!**

"Omg jyew!" elld FamePaw she locked at the yew. "But it wooden work becas thers a lizded on it." They all locked at the lizard. It wus a newt. The nwt ran away.

 **Today I learned the effects of 'the jew' can be nullified by using a lizard.**

"... NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled FamePaw. "Now the yew is gunna wkr!

 **Never mind, the jew become more devastating when it comes into contact with a lizard.**

 **Christ, make your mind up.**

"Ete the yew!" sadi TiggerStar he thirst it at StarGlame StarGleam baked away. "You're never get moi to ete it!" she esked and then she held "YOUE NEVER TOOK ME ALIV!"

 **Then, Stargleam proceeded to commit seppuku, leaving everyone confused and wondering what to do with the disemboweled, sparkle-covered corpse that lay before them.**

"are you so sur?" aksed TigerClar and then he lung at StarGlema and grabed her and ran away. "Youl never cathg me!1111 he laght meanly. "Im gong to Shadowcaln!" And then he luf.

 **For a minute there, I thought I was reading a Warriors fanfic. But it turns out I'm actually reading the written form of an old Saturday morning cartoon.**

 _ **Guyx I ben working relly hard on this wile I was gon. im sor'ry for the wait. Revew betetr and ill updat mor quick**_

 **That wait was heaven sent, but you just _had_ to update, didn't you? Your fanfiction's fucking ashamed of you.**


	12. Chapter 12

Cahpter 12 The Sark Forest

 **Why the fuck is this taking place on an island in the English Channel?**

"NO!" yewled StarKit. She run after TigerClaw. but he was to fat.

 **How the fuck did a tub of lard outrun you?**

She cudlnt catch up. Finly she stoped. She was so tried so sad, Teres begun to role down her face: her sitser was deed and tigerstar had ExcapeD!

 **One less Mary-Sue in the world, today is a bloody glorious day.**

"y am I so ulsess?/?/' she dsked.

 **Because you're mum's a dairy product, and you've inherited the usefulness of butter outside of being food.**

"why couldnt i kill her?" "its not opur falt. Sadi a voice from bedide her. "WHAT WHOSE THEIR" SHE SAID JUMPED.

 **It's the ghosts of every brain cell that died in reading this fanfic and they're here to haunt your ass.**

It juts me. " said JayWing waking to bedside her.

 **And just who the fuck is this wanker?**

"Yo couldt kill im becas u're nut dead." "what" said StarGleam "What dlo you men."

 **Yes, kill her. Put her out of her misery.**

"hes in the Dakr Froset!" said JayFeather. "hess allready ded!" oh no what do I do thouth starGeam.

 **Commit Seppuku as the prophecy foretold.**

"we can go to teh Dark Forste but its ver danger." Mewled Jayfeater. "tack me their!" sad StarGleam.

 **There's only one way to get to the dark forest and that's dying.** **So is this a suicide pact or something.**

She slepped and then they were in the Fark Forest. It was dark.

 **Really? You're kidding.**

Here was no mono 2 lighte the way and it wass heard to see. They herd voices! It wass TiggerStar!

 **That must be something, seeing Tigger in the cat version of hell.**

"ok tjen well kell her ND invade Thundercaln" he was said. "WHAT NOO!" said StarPaw she jumped at him.

 **Stealth would pay off in this situation, but no fuck that just get yourself killed.**

she was aboot to hit him when BlackStripe was there! "TIGERSAR WATCH OUT" said BlackStrip.

 **Who's Blackstripe?**

TierStar loocked at her and he clawed her. It wasnt fare!

 **It wasn't fair when you attacked Blackstar in the begging of this fic, but I bet you considered that fair, didn't you?**

StarGleam fell to the ground blood was cuming from a wand on her sholder. It was a lot of red blod. HawekFrost Looked at her.

 **Hawkfrost... buddy... you feeling okay?**

She was so buetiful so kawai, he was thought just like FirStar. He loved her. He had to save her.

 **No Hawkfrost! Don't do it!**

He jumped in TiggerStar! He bit him! But it wa s to lat. StarPaw was dyeing. "it was turning balkc. "I love you seh said as she did.

 **you were my brother Hawkfrost! You were supposed to destroy Thunderclan, not join them! Take over the clans, not help them prosper! I loved you.**

AND THEN STARGLEAM WAS DIED!11!111!11111!1!11!

 **Finally, it's over. She's dead. Now I can go home and have myself a cup of tea and get on with my life. Maybe meet a nice girl and start a family.**

 **Wait.**

 **What do you mean there's more chapters?**


	13. Chapter 13

Cahpter 13 The Metang wit Sartcaln

"Omigish what happnd! shrekd StarPaw.

 **You died in case you somehow forgot.**

She looked arung. "am I in Starclan?" she eskes when she say the cats that she new.

 **Well if it was Starclan, then you wouldn't be here. Then again, Starclan's full of sparkly pricks.**

"No of cours not your in the Daek Forest!" gagged a gray he-cat. StarGlame locked around windly for TiggerStar but she culd;nt sea him.

 **You can't see him because you've already fucking killed him. Twice.**

"Yes your in SatrCaln! said the she-ca. It was YellowFang. "Wher else wood you be?"

 **Are you sure this is Starclan? Looks more like hell to me.**

"Yuo dont need to be so red! said StarGlame she was mad."

sorry said YelllowFang but that made me made."

 **I guess I should say something about Yellowfang being out of character because she apologised, but frankly, she's the only one who's mostly in character.**

"its ok" said StarGleam. "but i was in the sark forest so...HOW DID I DYE?

 **You dyed by putting red clothes in a white wash you bloody twat.**

"TigerStra killed you" said BlueeStar cumin over to her.

 **Please stop with the 'cumin' this isn't a shitty lemon-fic.**

"he can send cats to starcaln even from the drk Foret"

 **Well that's** **fucking useless _especially when you're trying to build an army to take over a fucking forest._**

"Wait so then I'm died?" StarGlame. "What do i do no? I cant safve the frost like this!"

 **Did you ever consider that you're not the one in the prophecy?**

"That why we aer gong to send you bak to Thnduer clan!" saud WhitStrip.

 **No. She's dead. Keep her dead. It's better that way.**

"But we also have somsing very imptent to tell you first."

 **"Bruce Wayne is Batman." WhitStrip whispered, leaving the small glitter covered cunt in awe.**

"Omg what is it" lauged StarPaw she stinted to jump up and down with joe." "I wnat to knew"

 **Who the fuck is Joe?**

"wel their are ten thigs we ned to give you before you goe" said LeafPool and she gave StarGlame 2 rocks with writting on them. "their the ten commons!"

 **Oh no...**

"OMG THE TEN COMMONDENTS" squelled StarGleam and she was so exited. "I GET TO HAVE TEN COMMNDMENTS?"

 ** _Oh no._**

 ** _The ride never ends, does it?_**

"Ya" said BleuStar

 **Words of wisdom from French Bluestar.**

"we need to give them to the calns but they wont liten. Thats why we nedd you to do it four us!"

 **Smite the fuckers, that always works.**

"Okay" said StarGlame and she left Starclan talking the rocks with her.

 **Okay leave Dwayne Johnson and Havel out of this. They've done nothing to deserve being in this fic.**


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter Fortene The Ten Commdaments

 **I've been mentally preparing for this but I don't think I'll make it halfway through without wanting to drink bleach.**

Stargalme come down in2 thunderclaln camp. It was dark. Their were no cats otusdie. "SLL CATS GATER" she sadi.

 **First, you're a dick for waking everyone up in what's probably the middle of the night, and second, why the fuck do you think they'll listen to you?**

They cats gatehred.

 **Never mind.**

"I have Tebn Conmondants frum Starclam/" she said. The cats gapsed.

 **What is this Starclam you speak of? It sounds like one of those OC clans where everyone's Sparklecunt to the max.**

The started to mummur. "be quite" starGleam sad. Tehy were quite.

 **They're listening to someone who's only just been made a warrior and is only six moons old.**

"here she said pushing th3 roks foreword.

 **What the bloody hell has Dwayne Johnson and Havel ever done to you to deserve public humiliation?**

"Loack at the them. Yu must fallow these commodents fur your hole lifes if you wnt to ge5t into Starcan." She said. They loked at the roxk.

 **I think they're looking for a way to get rid of them, but you can't stop the rock so they might as well headbutt a brick wall.**

"1. thou shat not belive in other goIncesters

 **Well, ancestors are family so unless they have a second family this point is moot.**

2\. Dont make any picturs of anyhing and warhip them. If ou do ai will punsch you an ur grankits.

 **Well everyone's fucked because the moonpool and moonstone exist and they're both held in high regard.**

 **Well done Stargleam, you actually fucked up for once.**

4\. don't say Starcclan in vane.

 **Well good thing it's Starclan and not Starcclan.**

5\. Work for 6 days and worshipe me on 1.

 **Worship how exactly? Offer the blood of a virgin or something?**

6\. Repsect our mom and dad.

 **That's just common courtesy.**

7\. Dont kill otters unless in batl.e

 **Cats are fair game, but otters? Are you fucking mental? You should never touch an otter unless you want a death sentence.**

8\. don't br unfateful to our mat.

 **So I can't replace the thing I wipe my shoes on?**

9/ Dotn steel things from he other cland.

 **I'm starting to notice that this is exactly the same as the Warrior Code but with a fancy name and some common decency thrown in.**

10\. Dnt lie aboot yiour nieborgh.

 **Now we're Canadian, great.**

10\. Don't be jelos og your neiborgh.

 **I don't see why I'd be jealous of my neighbours, I hardly know what they have aside from two dogs. I guess it's an American thing to know your neighbours well.**

 **And this is 11th commandment. Please learn to count or go back to primary 1.**

11\. No BENG GAY!f

 **But a few chapters ago you were getting all hot and bothered from Lakepaw.**

The cat GAPSED. "Im sorry" said DaysPow. "ive ben a sinner. Ill do better next time!" Al the cats agred.

 ** _Burn the heretic._**

StarPaw was happy! Teh were aon the write pat! If hey fallowed Sartclan thay woud neber go wong!

 **You say that but wait until the clans are in mortal danger, again, and Starclan do fuck all but sit there with their thumbs up their collective arses, again.**

But suddenly she saw somesting! It was….. REdpaw and LakePaool KISSIN

 **Aaand cue Careless Whisper for the second time.**

* * *

 **Also, I've put up a poll for which one of two fanfics of mine gets published first, Soulless or METAhuman. Both are Warriors fics; ones an OC centric one based off of Dark Souls and the other's a twoleg-turned-cat with a twist.**

 **There's a summary for both on my profile if you want a more in depth look, or ask me about them if you absolutely want to.**

 **So please go vote if you're interested. Thank you.**


	15. Chapter 15

Cohpter Fiften THE TURTH  
StarGlam marced ofer too RedPaw and LakePaw she looked angrily. "WhT DID I JUTS SAY?/" she esked. "The elfenth commonment is NO BEING GAY!11

 **It's the _Ten_ Commandments you fucking tit, if there was eleven commandments it'd be called the Eleven Commandments. Crazy, I know.**

"But I love her!1" said LakePol. _ **(a/n. EW!11 THIS IS DIGUSTING)**_

 **Something tells me you're either a God fearing Christian or Eastern European.**

"But its agant the ten commdnents!" saud StarPaw.

 **I thought it was the eleven commandments.**

She wanet over and thurst herslef betwen them.

 **Innuendo of the day right here.**

"Do you WANT to go the dark foret?"

 **If I had to pick between sparkly pricks and edgy cunts, I'll pick edgy cunts because they're not as obnoxious and self righteous.**

"Yes?" ansed RedPaw.

 **Well at least someone agrees.**

"No you dont" said StarGleam "it'sa relly horribld place." I kno, Ive been their!"

 **You should've stayed there.**

Were sory said RedPaw and lakePolw. They locked sadly. "We wont do it agan."

 **Too late. You've committed.**

"I hope not" said StarGlame turng around and walkin back to FireStar. "We have to show this to the rets off the calns.

 **Please don't. They don't deserve it.**

"ok said FireStar" "we should go to the Gathern."

 **Bollocks.**

"If we go to the Gathern then I can shoe off the commendments to the other claans1" gagged StarGlame happ;y. "Cmon lets go!" She ran of not wating fro any other cat and then she was at the Gathern!

 **We were going downhill at a steady pace before, and now we're bloody rocketing to the bottom and we're going to drill through the fucking ground to the other side of the world at this rate.**

 **Glorious.**

"ATENSION ALL CATS" she yelled lepping to the HighRock. ?"I NEDD YOU'RE ATTENSION I HAVE AN ANNOUNCER"

"Omg what is it!11!1" shocked MitsyFoot. "Is it imptent!"

 **What's with all the ones?**

"Yes of cors its imptent!111!1"! yellded StarGleam "or else I wuldnt be hear!" "I have the ten Commandmeonts and you need to kno what they ar!" She red the ten commons ot to the other calns and theny all bowed down to her. Thank you for teling use SarkGleam they said happly." "We sont sin again!"

 **All hail Führer Stargleam and her religious and political agenda.**

"God" said StarGleam she jumped form the HighRoke.

 **What about him?**

She saw FireStar cumin threw the crowed towed jer.

 **Don't get excited Firestar, you're in public and it's incestual pedophilia you ginger bellend.**

"StarGlame you are a much beter cat then me at this1 you should be letter. Im not deid so ill go join the eldlers insted!" he said and he tuched his noise to StarGleams. "You have to go to the MonStone today to go get your nien lives. Ill go with you and so will JayFather."

 ** _Nein_ lives? I fucking knew something was up when Mein Clan became popular.**

"Kawaii" said StarGlema happly.

 **You're giving me eye cancer, Stargleam sweetheart.**

They left the Gathern and all the cats were cherring for her,

 **And thus, The Fourth Reich was formed, and Europe was once again getting huffy with each other for the next six years** **.**

 _ **So hod u guys lik eit? it wass so didsuting 2 rite the gya part. HBut thigs are guna be better no inteh clams! Also if ur a bad reveiwer u dont belive in Gosh ull go 2 hekc. thx guys for the god reveis. !**_

 **Saying you're going to hell for leaving a bad review is like a restaurant charging you with thievery because you didn't like their coleslaw; it's fucking stupid and everyone's going to treat you like you're mentally three years old.**

* * *

 **Also, remember that poll I was going on about in the last chapter? Well, I'm closing it on Monday** **, so please go vote if you're interested.**

 **Also, would anyone like to be the beta for either Rekindled or METAhuman? If so, please PM me.**


	16. Chapter 16

Chaper Sixteen The Nane Lifes

But suddenly as SatyrGleam was leafing theri was a nose from the bushs and Shadwclan spring out!2! their was TailPoppy LittleCold, RedStrom OwlPad SchorcWind _**(there from the Alliances I mad them warrior they don apear in the books)**_ and CeaderGeart, and Twanypelt  & RustFur, all of BlacStars bets warriors.

 **Original the OC plz donut steel.**

StarGleams malting orange swammed with suprise.

 **The fuck is a malting orange? Is it a cocktail?**

What ere they going t do? "StarGlaw" said Blackstar sadly. "U cant becomed leader then it will be inblossble for us to have kitsss!" jhe said.

 **I don't see how that would be impossible, you tried to pork her when she was six I don't see how it's any different.**

"Ive got to do BlackSrar its my detsiny." You cant fihtg feat.'

 **Gee, saying 'no' would have be extremely useful fourteen chapters ago wouldn't it?**

"No!" he meowled. "I don't want to loose you!" "Its oky" sad FireHeart he was called that new sinch he wasnt ladder, he hadnt leafed yeat.

 **Okay, so Firestar is a redneck pedophile ladder with the mental capacity of a**

"Ya" sad GaryStripe "we lofe her to"

 **I lothe her too.**

"ok" sad BlackStar sadly. They wacked away.

 **Jesus Christ, circlejerk in private you fucking animals.**

StarGlem was glad, she had anew love.

 **I pity the sorry wanker she's looking to bone.**

Se didnot want 2 dell with this wright now.

 **No one wanted to deal with this bloody love decagon to begin with, you twat.**

StarGleam mead LoinBalze her depudy he take the clkan back to camp.

 **Cardboard boxes don't make good deputies, sunshine.**

Her and JayFeather and FireStar walked to the MoonPool. "I cant belive it sadi StrGleam. "I can." Said JayFeater he was smelling StarPaw almots gasped shed never seen her father smiel befour!

 **I think Stargleam needs an adult.**

"Your a grate leddar StarGleam ive always none since the first day I saw yo."

 **Ever just look at a baby and say "this little scamp is going to be a great leader"? The last time I said that was with Adolf Hitler and look how that turned out.**

"Relly." She aksed. "Relay," he said. She smiled to for teh firts time in a log time she was really happy! Shed had someny toms chating after her but now this would be Oka!

 **I don't think I've ever heard anyone actually complain about having so many people chase after them, if anything it's a confidence booster.**

 **But this is Starkit's prophecy so everything's a problem.**

They were closed to the MoonSnot now. StarGleam was startig to gut a litel nervis. Wha if starClan didnt like her?

 **Don't worry no one likes you.**

They went ot the MoonPolo.

 **Marco.**

It was a shinny; rotund poll. StarGlean had never sen enythin so buetifly inner life befor. "im so produ of you," said FireTar his gaze tinkling. StarGleap purSmiled and liked the warter.

 **I also like water, unless it's water from Chernobyl. It tastes funny and my third arm agrees with me.**

It was dark! StarGel am opened erh eyes and she was in a froset. Then there weas lots of stars. 'like me' she thoguth lokoing at the star in her foreheed.

 **Fucking idiot, who gets a tramp stamp on their forehead? Stargleam, that's who.**

Then they shinned brighter and there were cats! lost of cats and they were ver starry.

 **That's a very simplistic description of Starclan cats.**

Starclab!1!11!

 **Starclab, where you can do fuck all for the rest of eternity and everyone will still stroke your probably massive ego some more.**

"Are ou reedy" shouted on of them frob the front. "yes sad starKit whe was turbling with exitmente!

 **Is there some weird time travel bollocks going on here? She's now a kit again. Does anyone have a degree in quantum physics and want to explain this shit?**

"ong of them came up. It was a blue cat. 'Bullstar' wispered StarGleam ahstruck. "With this live I gave you liedership said BleuStar puttinger noise to StarGleams. It hurtd! BlueStar wakled away StarGleam wandered ho muck more of this she cold tack it hurt so much she terbled.

 **I've never understood the 'extra lives hurt like fuck' shtick.**

"With this life I give you corrage" said YellowFag storling up to StarPleam. It hurted like neddles!1

 **A bundle of sticks made it to Starclan. Well then.**

BambleCalw came nex. He put his mose on StarGleam's forehed. It hurt lick TiggerSTars class!

 **Who is Brambleclaw dead when everyone else his age is alive? Must have died of AIDS or something when no one was looking.**

WithStorm stambled over next. "Woth this lift. I give you strenth. Us it well to pertect your clan."

 **Thunderclan was already full of Mary Sues, so like an arrow without it's head; there's no fucking point to it.**

LeaveWind cam on to her. "Wit this life i give u nolledge." It hurt like fier!1

 **Who are you?**

She god a liff rom BundleFace form motherlinest a life from TailStar for qiickness, & a life for StoneFur for bravvery. She was shacking she didn nok if she cold mack it!

 **Please don't make it, someone please put her out of her misery.**

And then… frorm the cord…. came…. A LINO!1!11!1

 **Okay, that seems a little _too_ intentional... **

**What if this is the worlds greatest trollfic, and we've been played for years on end?**

SatrGleam GASP! "This is ThunderStar" mowed TallStar.

 **No, this is Patrick.**

He was the first ledder of Thunerclan! OR it was called LoinClan."

 **I don't know, was it called Thunderclan or was it Lionclan? I don't know mate, but it keeps me up at night.**

StarPaw coudnt breath?

 **I don't know, you tell me.**

She was so exited and so onered! "I cat beliv its relly you ThungerStar she said in ah. "Its meh" said the lion. He toched his mastiff nose to her nose and the pan was worst than ever befor! StarGleam thougth she would de! "With his life I give o HEAR. You have a realy strong heat bfour but is even stornger now, thank you for giving comandaments to the Calns. Wath would Starclan

doo witouth you Now I will giv you a namr."

 **She better be fucking called Starstar or I'm quitting this fanfic.**

"Wat!" shotud StarGleam ass he opened his moth. "I donk want my bame to be StarStar that would be stuped! I want to be called GleamStsr!"

 **Whelp, I quit.**

"Fery well" said LionStar doping his head he wold lisent to StarGkeam she was specal. I now pronunce you….. GLEAMSTAR!'

 **Not as good as Starstar. That was a missed opportunity.**

Butt as the cats begun to cherr, there was a dankness! The darknest swolled everything! She could small BLODO!

 **I'm not to sure if this is trying to be scary. If it is, it's fucking awful. You might as well say there was hyper realistic blood everywhere and demons and shit.**

 **I rate spoopy/10**

Suddenly TigerStar and HolyLeaf were there! In her vishon! She sa them tacking over the clans and ther was an arm of rogues and cats were deing!

 **Again, pretty lazy if it's trying to be scary.**

And suddenly … … their was a cat suruonded by a godlen lite!1!1! It was… HACKFROST! He made all the bad stuff disapare.

 **Hawkfrost is now Jesus. Now I'm convinced this is a brilliant trollfic.**

"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!11!1!1!11!" yelled StarGleamStar walking up.

 **We already knew Gleamstar was a cow, no need to drive the point home.**

She juts culdnt be in loe with HawkForest she just could!11!1!11!

 **Why not? You tried to fuck your grandad and didn't have a problem with it.**


	17. Chapter 17

**I have a poll up for the next fanfiction I write after I'm done with Rekindle and META-human (go give them a look if you haven't already) so go vote if you're interested. A summary for the fanfics are on my profile.**

 **Cheers :)**

* * *

Chapter 17 Returnr  
StarGleam shock her head waling up from the derm. FireStar was looking at her and his gren eys where sorrid.

 **Why haven't you been arrested for sexual harassment yet?**

"GlaeStar you were takling in yuour slept are you ok?" he asked. JayFeather looked upsid to.

"Yeah yeah Im fin" StarGleam reponded gettin up.

 **No you're Gleamstar...**

 **...wait, isn't she the leader now?**

 **The bloody fuck is going on?**

"I just had a badd dream thass all." "It's nothen."

 **Mate that was a fever dream and a half, "it's nothen" my British arse.**

"If your sur." Said FireStrar and they left the MonoPool and headed back too the Thundercaln camp.

 **The one sentence so far that was _almost_ spelled correctly. That's sad.**

"GleamStar your back!" they said happy, crowding all over her.

 **I hate coming home only to be the centre of an orgy.**

LakePaw and RedPaw looked sad thou, becas GleamStarg has sad they cant be in luv.

 **Just pull a Romeo and Juliet. She can't tell you what to do if you're dead.**

But GleamSar ingored them. But she new she had too do somefing more impotent.

 **Like oppress minority groups in ThunderClan.**

"LinoBlaz" she said locking for her deputy. "I nedd you to tack a patrole tothe Sadowclan boulder," "I need you ro tell BlackStar im leder know." she said and she turnd and walked over the keader's den evwn though everone was trying to ask her questns about the serimy. "Guysz let me to to bed" she said shoeing them awy. /"Let me have a niche to myself!"

 **Get fucked, you're leader now everything revolves around everyone else you selfish cock.**

They all walked away groabling. "She nevwr let's us have any fun" said BeryNoise. "Thats not kawaii at all."

 **1) she just became a leader, why is everyone acting like she's been in charge for years?**

 **2) if I fucking see kawaii one more time Japan's getting nuked a third time.**

GleamStar didnlt care sge was waiting for FireStar. Then FireHert came into her den. "I'm levving" he said and he lef.

 **After Firestar realised that the police were onto him, he knew his only option was to flee to Mexico.**

StarGleam followed him uyelling "WAIT!1!11 Where are you gong?"

 **Mexico.**

"Well I cant be ledder so I'm just goint to leaf for a while. Maybe Ill be a rogue, or maybe I'll go join skyCaln. Who knows?" Then he luf.

 **Cops can't do anything if he's SkyClan's problem. Smart.**

StarGamet was sad b/c that was her mentor and one of the cats she luvved leaving but it was ka since thass what he wanted to due.

 **TIL that Gleamstar allows random blokes to come or leave at anytime. Not even a leader for a day and you're already a piece of shit.**

"Its oka StarStar" said HawkFrot appearating out of nonwhere.

 **At least someone's calling her Starstar.**

"I mean I love you so its all god."

 **I fucking knew Hawkfrost was Jesus.**

"I no" said StarGlea prring she wrapped her tail around HawkFrosts face she dint care that he was a rogue, she loved him. And now they could be togethier!/

 **That's not where the tail goes you tit.**


	18. Continue?

**Hello to you the reader.**

 **I was wondering if I should cancel Starkit's Prophecy: The Running Commentary. It feels to me that nobody cares about this anymore and I don't want to continue doing something nobody enjoys.**

 **Frankly, I don't enjoy doing this anymore. But I will keep continuing it if people are still interested. If you are still wanting this, I'll keep it going. If not, then I'll pull the plug on it.**

 **Cheers from Cynical-Britton.**


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